a fearful thing

I loved these verses we read in church on Sunday in Proverbs 30, because they echo my own thoughts and longings for a comfortable life: "Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: lest I be full, and deny thee and say, 'Who is the Lord?', or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain." (vs. 8-9)
This is my own plea for our little family, although I've never been able to put it quite so eloquently. I want to be comfortable. I think parenting gets harder every day, and the future looks scarier. I wonder how in the world I'm ever going to raise children who follow the Lord, in a time and place so hostile toward His Truth.

I read this morning in Hebrews 10:31 and again, felt my own thoughts were echoed, "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." It is! It's terrifying to live by faith, to open the calendar to a Monday again and just plead for strength for the week and wisdom to know how to best invest my time. I loved the reminder that followed, though: "But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions [...] for ye had compassion of me in my bonds, and took joyfully the spoiling of your goods, knowing in yourselves that ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance. Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

 I know that I've been here before, because I go through cycles of trust and fear. And I need to look back and to remember the times when God has been faithful and when by His grace I have been able to lay aside the scary and the earthly and focus on the heavenly. I think sometimes the fear is borne out of a lack of trust in myself - worry that I'll fail. But, if my focus is right, that lack of trust in myself can be converted into a deep trust in God - my Rock, who never moves and never changes.
And because it's so true, and always so relevant...
Blessings - Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

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